Saturday, November 18, 2017

Mort IV

Forever deficient in craft
Mort also confused "fore" and "aft"
His mates on the boat
Took a free and fair vote
And set him adrift on a raft.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Mort III

That idiot sailor boy, Mort
Liked to hunt mermaids for sport
But his aim was so wide
They just laughed 'til they cried
At the sound of his rifle's report.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Mort II

There once was a sailor named Mort
Who led the attack on a fort -
Okay, yes, one of pillows
Using switches from willows
And his mother's quite able support.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

There once was a sailor named Mort

There once was a sailor named Mort
Who couldn't tell starboard from port
He'd cry out, bereft,
"Please! Say right or left!"
His time on the ocean was short.

The doctor looked close at my turd

The doctor looked close at my turd
Gasped and said, "Ugh! Oh my word!
Though I am a pro
I'm still human, you know,
And you'd better be damn well-insured!"

Sunday, November 12, 2017

I was running for mayor for fun

I was running for mayor for fun
Til my wife said, "Oh, dammit. You won."
Now I have wear ties,
Cut ribbons, tell lies
And live life in the glare of the sun.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

The well in the yard has no bottom

The well in the yard has no bottom
So Ted threw in his folks when he shot 'em
He could hear them both yell
As they endlessly fell
And he sighed, "Jeez, I thought that I got 'em."

There once was a man with two heads


There once was a man with two heads
That slept in adjacent twin beds
Full of loathing and spite
They still fought all the night
And bit all the sheets into shreds.

My favorite waiter (that's Bob)

My favorite waiter (that's Bob)
Is a dullard, a cad and a slob
But he brings the food quick -
In a trice, in a tick! -
And that's pretty much the whole job.

Bonobos are sexy and sleek

Bonobos are sexy and sleek
They rub, suck and fuck all the week
Such peaceable apes
Short on killings and rapes
Cuz their menfolk are kept good and meek.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Joe's grandmother bought a new smock

Joe's grandmother bought a new smock
When she donned it, she got a nice shock -
Grandpa started to drool
And said, "Hey, that's so cool!
You've awakened my sleepy old cock!"