I hear a noise under the bed

I hear a noise under the bed
Unless it's all just in my head
And I suddenly smell
A perfume I know well
It's my wife's, though I made sure she's dead.

I once had a job as a freak

I once had a job as a freak
In a carnival, just for a week
They soon sent me packing
No, my act wasn't lacking
But I had an affair with the geek.

Old Colonel Willard, the traitor

Old Colonel Willard, the traitor
Met his end in a smoking bomb crater
The last words he said
From his just-detached head
Were, "I'll see all you dumb suckers later!"

My Bonnie lies over the sea

My Bonnie lies over the sea
She told me she had to be free
Then made a quick dash
With all of my cash
It's yours if you ice her for me.

The lumberjack let out a sigh

The lumberjack let out a sigh

As a pine tree 300 feet high

Bore down on his head

And he quietly said,

"This is just how I wanted to die."

I once had a dog with a limp

I once had a dog with a limp
And a hairless, one-legged chimp
I hated to kill them
But I just had to grill them
My luau was fresh out of shrimp.

Mary can't come out to play

Mary can't come out to play
So you may as well just go away
She needs to detox
So she's still in the box…
Though she stopped making noises today.

My pale and tremulous twin

My pale and tremulous twin
When reluctantly pushed to drink gin
Though normally meek
Will spit, curse and shriek
And bite our old ma on the shin.

There once was a teddy named Pooh

There once was a teddy named Pooh
Who got dropped on a trip to the zoo
He was put behind bars
Where he picked up some scars
And a fierce case of syphilis, too.

There once was a sailor named Earl

There once was a sailor named Earl
Who'd giggle and blush like a girl
When "seaman" was uttered
Or even just muttered
In front of the sweet barmaid Pearl.

A blind old monkey named Saul

A blind old monkey named Saul
Used to lurk in my grandma's front hall
If you entered at night
You'd get quite a fright
When he'd slaver and gibber and crawl.