"The meek will inherit the earth"

"The meek will inherit the earth" -
Norse gods greet this saying with mirth.
Booze, blood and coarse bragging
And loud, sweaty shagging -
These measure a deity's worth.

The crew of a ship trapped in ice

The crew of a ship trapped in ice
Is prone to despair and to vice
With their food stores all wrecked
They begin to suspect
That shipmates taste better than mice.

A widely loved circus of fleas

A widely loved circus of fleas
With its tumblers, its clowns and trapeze
One day came to repent
Cheaping out on the tent
When they died in a sharp, sudden breeze.

There once was a fat green-gray toad

There once was a fat green-gray toad
Whose drugged mucus often would goad
Foolish lickers to try
To fly into the sky -
The toad's conscience bore quite a large load.

Eh. Twitter.

I've always said I'd never do it. But it works well for limericks.

https://twitter.com/QualityLimerick

My parents fed bagels and lox

My parents fed bagels and lox
To a live but mute head in a box
We all sort of knew-ish
This strange head was Jewish
Because he had curly sidelocks.

A large, flying chunk of peach pie

A large, flying chunk of peach pie
Came to rest in my uncle's right eye
As he wiped off his head
He shrugged and just said,
"At least it won't go to my thigh."

A turkey escaped from the ax

A turkey escaped from the ax
Believed she could start to relax
But doom comes to all
Ape or fowl, large or small
And, turkey dear, them's just the fax.

A pilgrim washed up on the shore

A pilgrim washed up on the shore
Saw a godly new land to explore
But snow, bear and Injun
Soon had that boy whingin',
"This country is cursed to the core!"

I can't stand my old Uncle Herb

I can't stand my old Uncle Herb
His linguistics I really must curb
I want to get violent
When he makes the "H" silent -
'Erb's pronunciation's absurb.

Luann sets my heart all a-flutter

Luann sets my heart all a-flutter
So I carved out her likeness in butter
And said, "You're the most!
Let's spread you on toast!"
She said, "You're a sad, creepy nutter."

There once was a ranchhand named Slim

There once was a ranchhand named Slim
A creature of fancy and whim
He dressed all the cows
In ribbons and bows
And the bulls in brocade and gold trim.

Mort IV

Forever deficient in craft
Mort also confused "fore" and "aft"
His mates on the boat
Took a free and fair vote
And set him adrift on a raft.

Mort III

That idiot sailor boy, Mort
Liked to hunt mermaids for sport
But his aim was so wide
They just laughed 'til they cried
At the sound of his rifle's report.

Mort II

There once was a sailor named Mort
Who led the attack on a fort -
Okay, yes, one of pillows
Using switches from willows
And his mother's quite able support.

There once was a sailor named Mort

There once was a sailor named Mort

Who couldn't tell starboard from port

He'd cry out, bereft,

"Please! Say right or left!"

His time on the ocean was short.

The doctor looked close at my turd

The doctor looked close at my turd
Gasped and said, "Ugh! Oh my word!
Though I am a pro
I'm still human, you know,
And you'd better be damn well-insured!"

I was running for mayor for fun

I was running for mayor for fun
Til my wife said, "Oh, dammit. You won."
Now I have wear ties,
Cut ribbons, tell lies
And live life in the glare of the sun.

The well in the yard has no bottom

The well in the yard has no bottom

So Ted threw in his folks when he shot 'em

He could hear them both yell

As they endlessly fell

And he sighed, "Jeez, I thought that I got 'em."

There once was a man with two heads

There once was a man with two heads

That slept in adjacent twin beds

Full of loathing and spite

They still fought all the night

And bit all the sheets into shreds.

My favorite waiter (that's Bob)

My favorite waiter (that's Bob)
Is a dullard, a cad and a slob
But he brings the food quick -
In a trice, in a tick! -
And that's pretty much the whole job.

Bonobos are sexy and sleek

Bonobos are sexy and sleek
They rub, suck and fuck all the week
Such peaceable apes
Short on killings and rapes
Cuz their menfolk are kept good and meek.

Joe's grandmother bought a new smock

Joe's grandmother bought a new smock
When she donned it, she got a nice shock -
Grandpa started to drool
And said, "Hey, that's so cool!
You've awakened my sleepy old cock!"

There is a young man from Paree

There is a young man from Paree
Who swims like a dolphin with glee
But when he's on land
He hardly can stand
And feels completely at sea.

There was a young man from Beirut

There was a young man from Beirut
Who ate beans and let out a toot
He sipped on a beer
Picked at his ear
And chewed on a pungent cheroot.

Glass hands are evil in twos

Glass hands are evil in twos
So the right or the left, you must choose
When you drift off to sleep
They'll clutch and they'll creep
And make your face turn ghastly blues.

Pierre had a hand made of glass

Pierre had a hand made of glass
That he found in a park on the grass
It would vibrate at night
And give off a faint light
And increase to impossible mass.

There once was a lady from Perth

There once was a lady from Perth
Quite covered in hair right from birth
Inarticulate growls
And bloodcurdling howls
Were how she expressed fits of mirth.

I once had a roommate named Paul

I once had a roommate named Paul
Whose roster of virtues was small
He didn't do dishes
He killed off my fishes
But he shared his deluxe blow-up doll.

I hear a noise under the bed

I hear a noise under the bed
Unless it's all just in my head
And I suddenly smell
A perfume I know well
It's my wife's, though I made sure she's dead.

I once had a job as a freak

I once had a job as a freak
In a carnival, just for a week
They soon sent me packing
No, my act wasn't lacking
But I had an affair with the geek.

Old Colonel Willard, the traitor

Old Colonel Willard, the traitor
Met his end in a smoking bomb crater
The last words he said
From his just-detached head
Were, "I'll see all you dumb suckers later!"

My Bonnie lies over the sea

My Bonnie lies over the sea
She told me she had to be free
Then made a quick dash
With all of my cash
It's yours if you ice her for me.

The lumberjack let out a sigh

The lumberjack let out a sigh

As a pine tree 300 feet high

Bore down on his head

And he quietly said,

"This is just how I wanted to die."

I once had a dog with a limp

I once had a dog with a limp
And a hairless, one-legged chimp
I hated to kill them
But I just had to grill them
My luau was fresh out of shrimp.

Mary can't come out to play

Mary can't come out to play
So you may as well just go away
She needs to detox
So she's still in the box…
Though she stopped making noises today.

My pale and tremulous twin

My pale and tremulous twin
When reluctantly pushed to drink gin
Though normally meek
Will spit, curse and shriek
And bite our old ma on the shin.

There once was a teddy named Pooh

There once was a teddy named Pooh
Who got dropped on a trip to the zoo
He was put behind bars
Where he picked up some scars
And a fierce case of syphilis, too.

There once was a sailor named Earl

There once was a sailor named Earl
Who'd giggle and blush like a girl
When "seaman" was uttered
Or even just muttered
In front of the sweet barmaid Pearl.

A blind old monkey named Saul

A blind old monkey named Saul
Used to lurk in my grandma's front hall
If you entered at night
You'd get quite a fright
When he'd slaver and gibber and crawl.