Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Jamal is a cruel, shameless flirt

Jamal is a cruel, shameless flirt
He says he does not mean to hurt.
But cute, muscled boys
Get treated like toys
And warm, salty tears are what squirt.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

My husband wore suits made of tweed

My husband wore suits made of tweed
Though quite clearly there wasn't a need -
He never went out
Just drank beer, laid about;
And they'd get badly soaked when he peed.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Alberto developed a cyst

Alberto developed a cyst
On the spot that his wife always kissed;
Though at first an intrusion
This homely protrusion
Gave their love life a much-needed twist.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

A geneticist who was a bonehead

A geneticist who was a bonehead
By accident cut off his own head
His ending was yucky
But his family was lucky -
You see, he'd already been clon-ed.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

When Crystal camped out in a tent

When Crystal camped out in a tent
She decided it needed a vent
She'd eaten tureens
Of smoky baked beans
A choice she soon came to repent.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Far be it from me to malign a

Far be it from me to malign a
Wise man who's an expert on China
He knows oracle bones
And the right spoken tones
But the guy's never seen a vagina.

Monday, March 5, 2018

Griselda puts ham 'n' cheese stuffin'

Griselda puts ham 'n' cheese stuffin'
Inside every poppy seed muffin
Inspiring the diners
To all become whiners
And go on Yelp, huffin' and puffin'.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Your painting is tacky and lame

Your painting is tacky and lame
There's glitter all over the frame
And stars, pink and gold -
Though you're just five years old
These methods will not make your name.

Saturday, March 3, 2018

On Wednesday the icy wind blew

On Wednesday the icy wind blew
On Thursday the stinging snow snew
On Friday came rain
Then snowstorms again -
Dear Momma Nature: Fuck you.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Said a bright student named Jade, "Oh!"

Said a bright student named Jade, "Oh!
I'll do a school project on Plato!"
Teach' gave her a rave
And A+ on the cave
That she fashioned from handfuls of Play-doh.

Monday, February 26, 2018

A Scotsman who went by "McManus"

A Scotsman who went by "McManus"
Often found reason to pain us
Over his haggis
He'd constantly nag us,
"My last name just don't rhyme with 'anus'!"

Sunday, February 25, 2018

A girl with a mouthful of cheese

A girl with a mouthful of cheese
Was seized by a thunderous sneeze
Her bulging cheeks popped
The pizza got topped
And her brother said, "One more slice, please?"

Monday, February 19, 2018

I can't fight this feeling anymore

This urge I can't fight anymore
Just what did I start fighting for?
My canoe I will dock
Sit and muse and take stock
And besides, I just dropped my one oar.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

A shaggy Canadian moose

A shaggy Canadian moose
Was well-known for his filthy caboose
The amount of poutine
That he ate was obscene
And it made his stools runny and loose.

Monday, January 29, 2018

I spent the whole day in a seat

I spent the whole day in a seat
With nothing but popcorn to eat
While a flickering screen
Cast a pale, ghostly sheen -
For a workin' geek, that's quite a treat.

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Bobby's been bathing in brine

Bobby's been bathing in brine
His skin and his hair have a shine
A kiss on the lips
And a sandwich and chips -
"Dang, Bobby, you sure do taste fine!"

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

My uncle Tim's notable girth

My uncle Tim's notable girth
Once threatened the orbit of Earth
At some scientists' urging,
He soon started purging
And zumba'd for all he was worth.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

I ordered a plate of fried liver

I ordered a plate of fried liver
That started to squirm and to quiver
The pitcher of cream
Then emitted a scream
That made my spine stiffen and shiver.

Monday, January 15, 2018

There once was a crook, last name Claus

There once was a crook, last name Claus
Who flouted the trespassing laws
In the bleak dead of winter
He'd break and he'd enter
House after house, without pause.